Anaconda
Rating: 2/5
By: Nathaniel Simpson
I don't know about you, but a remake of Anaconda with Paul Rudd and Jack Black in the lead roles accompanied by Thandiwe Newton and Steve Zahn in supporting roles sounds like a pretty good time to me. We have these two comedy powerhouses making a modern telling of this iconic story should work, and it most likely does on paper. The trailers made this movie out to be a good time at the cinema with your family, giving off a Jumanji-esque vibe, but that is unfortunately not the case. I was expecting a hilarious and adventurous film about friends surviving a giant snake, but what we received is an incredibly messy and poor film that doesn't work on numerous different aspects; honestly, the only saving grace for this film was Zahn's at-time hilarious performance.
The movie follows this group of nobodies (Rudd, Black, Newton, Zahn) who are miserable where they are at in their lives. However, when Griff (Rudd) reveals he was gifted the rights to the Anaconda franchise by Sony Studios, they all decide to craft a low-budget reboot in the jungles of the Amazon. What started out as a fun shoot turns deadly when a giant snake and a gold-miner are now on their trail, hoping to kill the four friends.
I'm sure when you read the part about the gold-miner, you automatically assumed "what the hell?" That's what I did too when I first saw this movie, watching this plot play out in front of me that simply didn't sell me on what they were trying to do. It seems like the filmmakers weren't sure how to make this movie interesting besides the giant snake, so they decide to include a human threat to our main characters for them to fight over the course of the movie. In my opinion, I think this was one of the worst mistakes they made in the movie. As a viewer who went to go see this movie to watch a giant snake kill people, I did not care at all about a villain whose sole reason for doing what they do is for money.
At the same time, there really isn't much snake action for this movie until the last twenty-or-so minutes. They decide to just tease the snake for a majority of the movie, not really capitalizing on the fun aspect of this giant anaconda slithering around and eating people. Now, if they had made this movie more like Jaws in the approach they take to this monster, that would be one thing. But, this movie goes on for almost an hour without any mention or notice of the giant snake. It felt like the anaconda was an afterthought to the script, an element they had to include to make the movie fit into the franchise. In fact, I would go as far as to assume this wasn't supposed to be an Anaconda movie at all. How they set up the plot and what they focus on for a majority of the movie simply has nothing to do with a giant killer reptile or the friends trying to escape its clenches.
Even though the plot was not that great and didn't keep me hooked as a viewer, the movie could have worked a little off the performances alone. But, it seems like Rudd isn't thrilled about being there and they unfortunately tone down Black a lot. Rudd has this annoyed attitude throughout the movie, one that felt more like the actor hating being on set rather than him playing a character. Also, Black simply isn't fit to play a character that is a depressed, middle-aged man. Especially in a time right now where he has Jumanji and Minecraft 2 coming up, I was expecting to see him as his hyper, all-over-the-place self. The only performance I truly really enjoyed here was Zahn, who is absolutely hilarious as this character. From his mannerisms to the lines he delivers, Zahn is carrying this film on his back, and I just wish it was enough to save the movie. In fact, if they wanted to make a spinoff film based solely on Zahn's character, I would go see it opening night.
However, with all of that being said, in terms of the special effects and set design, it is quite a fun world they are playing in. The effects team does a great job of bringing the anaconda to life, and the jungle is sun a wonderful playground for these characters and this giant snake to play in. Then, when we get to the climatic final showdown between our main characters and the snake, it is stupidly fun, one you can't help but enjoy.
I'm incredibly disappointed in how the 2025 reboot of Anaconda turned out, but honestly not surprised. It was always going to be a toss up with this picture; it was either going to work incredibly well like the Jumanji sequels did for me or it was going to be a dumpster fire. While there are various elements I do like about the movie, it simply doesn't all connect to craft a film I enjoyed watching.
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